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The following does not reflect Game Geex' technical opinion on Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. "Journals of an Archer" is merely a fun editorial narrative that creates a Parody of one's adventures in Eorzea. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Welcome everyone, to a stunning tale. One with passion, drama, and bloodshed. This story will span the lifetime of a lone, young Archer as he begins his journey in the land of Eorzea... (what do you mean they're gonna wipe the servers!? I can't say that! That's just bad storytelling!) Ahem... That Archer, is War Chao, and even at the young age of Level- something low, he has already alerted the world of his presence, single-handedly became the bringer of hope, and reduced the population of all monsters that get in his path, or so he believes. So it was forever set in stone that War Chao was born to be an archer and be one with the crystal:

The 13th sun of the fifth umbral moon

Dear Journal,

Today's the day I become an adventurer! Yay! With that said, I decided to give my self a facial tattoo and blue highlights. Everyone also wanted me to become a mage but I decided to become an Archer. Being rebellious is the first phase of being on your own right? Lately, I keep getting random visions and for someone reason, feeling light headed has become a daily routine. All these premonitions... It's like Final Destination all-over again. This leads me to believe that I am obviously the chosen one and am the sole person in all of Eorzea who is destined to save the world.

As one who wants to take up the arms of a bowman, it was only fitting my grand start be in Gridania since that's where the prestigious Archer's Guild is. I also didn't have a choice. As soon as I put "Archer" down on my application, I was stuffed in a carriage on its way to this land. It didn't take long to realize how peaceful and calm the city was. I hate it already... Alright, that's a lie. I actually enjoy the calm atmosphere... Then I met her. Mother Miounne of The Adventurer's Guild just does not stop talking. A sweet lady she is, but she talks way too much. Would you believe that many words could come out of one text box!? I don't even know how she does it thousands of times either!

So yea, after a few minutes (or hours?) getting myself registered as an adventurer, I begin my journey with my first mission, or at least i thought I did. Who would've thought my very first mission objective was to /bow to a fair maiden? That's cool and all but I was honestly expecting to slay some dragons, rescue the governor, and end world hunger since, you know, I'm the chosen one. I then spent the rest of the day moving letters from person to person and introducing myself to everyone that I really don't need to know. I suppose it's a right of passage and it wasn't so bad after I realized everyone was forced into such a fate as me, hue hue hue.

It wasn't till a few moments later where I would be sent to the Archer's Guild where I'd finally get to kill stuff! Actually, no, there was more talking but at least I was talking to people who knew a damn about shooting a bow.

It was here I met Silvairre, a fellow Archer... he's such a douche 'bag, I swear. If he feels that way about my future, I might as well just jump off a waterfall. And it doesn't help that he has to look down on me all the time. It's because I'm a Lalafell isn't it? Still, I try to be nice and try my best to make my smile look as genuine as possible. That way, I at least stay neutral with my peers. It's what I do....

Despite all the talkage, at least some divine force aids me on my quest. I'd be so lost if I didn't know where to go. The map and quest markers are the pinnacle of technology. Last time I tried to become an adventurer in Eorzea, you had to find a small dot on the ground to activate quests. If it weren't for the cleaner mechanics, I think I would've been eaten by squirrels already. Yes, squirrels! Did you not see how big they are!? They're like radioactive! At least when you go tell me to kill Behemoth, I know what to expect but then you tell me to kill a Squirrel and I get this thing!? I'm so unprepared for life...

So yea, I continue on, slaying animals and going back to town to say I did. I wish I could lie and say I did it, but somehow they know... They always know... Eventually, I find people on the field who make me do their dirty work in exchange for clothing. Aye, the life of an adventurer... And the clothing isn't even good. I mean, he gave me a yellow dress.... HE GAVE ME... A YELLOW DRESS. I'm a dude, dude! And you thought it gets better? That friggin' crystal vision lied to me. My dreams told me I'd at least get a desperado hat but nooooo, someone gave me a "Hard-Leather Subligar" in exchange for killing monsters nine times my size! "Subligar" is not as cool as it sounds. No no no, they should just call it "Armored Undies." I feel like I belong on the front cover of Diaper Monthly now. Perhaps I do though. I guess I could use the Gil...

Finally, I hit level 10, which means I'm moving up in the world, oh, and I can actually learn the world's different fighting styles. Naturally, I chose to try my hand at Conjury so I can heal the wounds of my allies. That way, they won't notice when I accidentally shoot them in the back.

Apparently, the Conjurer's Guild is desperate for attendees and take just about anyone. All I had to do was go up to the guild receptionist and she was practically begging me to be a Conjurer! (Hopefully I'm not registered as cannon fodder). The cool thing about going off to seek other jobs is now I can be an Archer and still use Cure like a mage! It's not like in other worlds where I spend decades learning the dark arts and as soon as I pick-up a sword, it feels like someone whacks me in the back of the head with a shovel and I just forget everything.

So yea, the people of Eorzea are so cool. Every now and then, I run into these things called "FATEs." I think that's codename for "Rave" or something because there's always a lot of people and the music is so cool it makes me want to dance. And get this. It gives me experience! The problem is, there are always a ton of party crashers so we have to kick em' out. Apparently, no one likes a party crasher, because everyone from all over gets the news and jumps in to beat them up. Fortunately, the party moves to another location so you can always find these things! I think I'm missing the point here... Oh well.

So all-in-all, what did I do? I began my adventure, spoke to everyone, became stronger with a bow, learned to heal, and figured out 42 is the answer to lif-.... Mmmk let's not dwell into that. I hear I start partying WITH ACTUAL PEOPLE soon! And doing other things like actually benefiting Lalafell kind! So far, everything has been pretty swell. No headaches. It's just been a breeze. Hopefully things get rough around the Lala here soon!


War Chao, Gilgamesh adventurer extraordinaire


3 Comments for this post.
Like 3 Disike 0

Armored Undies... bondage gear and a yellow dress... Man Final Fantasy has changed.

Like 2 Disike 0

Well, most of this is over exaggerated satire but yea, the subligar and dress is a rite of passage XD it makes the epic gear that much more epic haha.

[Mandifesto] @ 8:47:59 PM Jul 14, 2013
Like 2 Disike 0

I did find an extraordinary amount of talking at the start of the game.  I think I was at level 7 when I had to stop playing due to time, and I hadn't done anything but run around the city talking to people.  If they wanted to hand out levels, they should have started people at level 10 and then just went from there.

I understand the purpose was to introduce people to the massive city that we used to get lost in for hours, but really they just should have designed a better city map.  These quests take the joy of exploration out of the beginning of a game, and they certainly don't introduce you to combat, like you say.

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