I vomited but I don’t know if it was an I’m-excited-to-play-this vomit or a who-the-hell-would-make-this vomit. To be fair, it might be a mixture of both. In any event, Lollipop Chainsaw has been announced and society has paid the price for our obsession with zombies. A hefty, hefty price. Let's watch the video together:
0:07 -Oh, okay it's WB. That's good. And it has a rainbow behind it. Reminds me of Powerpuff Girls already. I liked that show.
0:09 - What. Why is the screen weird. What is happening. Why is there a chainsaw noise. Now there's a heart and some screaming zombies. Alriiiight... Phew, back to normal. Grasshopper Manufacture. That sounds like a very classy company. Glad that they're making this normal again
0:17- Alright! An attractive female lead named Juliet. A reference to Shakespeare, undoubtedly. Perhaps that was a strange fluke at the beginning with the chainsaw and zombies.
0:33 - A cheerleader? With a big secret? Really. What on Earth could this secret be. Oh, that she likes to kick down lockers. What a terrible secret. She must be a riot at sleepovers. There are zombies. And look. She has a chainsaw with a heart etched through it. That seems inefficient.
0:48 - From the twisted mind of Suda 51? How can we even call this from someone's mind. It's obviously just rehashing every single thing ever that's had to do with zombies and fanfiction. Suda 51 made No More Heroes and Killer 7 so we can expect at least some solid story telling. Here we go with some admittedly complex and beautiful dialogue like this line: "Gross!" when Juliet slays a zombie.
0:54 - James Gunn? What did he make. Let's check. Oh. Cool. Scooby Doo. And now Juliet says, "Undead douchebags." A solid improvement over the previous line. The following lines are, "Eat it" and "Bring it, fatass". Cool. It's like someone added the Bulletstorm lines into Dead Rising. In fact, that's EXACTLY what it looks like.
1:11 - Really? She jumps down from a balcony over the camera. How old is she supposed to be? Can we at least assuage that part of the male subconscious before intentionally flaunting this?
1:27 - Find us on Facebook? I think I'll pass on that. I've seen enough cheerleader vs. zombie for the day.
Deep down, I'm sick of zombie games. I've loved each one and I'm sure Dead Island will be one of those games I can't stop playing, but it feels like how vampires are getting in the movie industry: overdone. I know Lollipop Chainsaw is supposed to be a satirical look at the genre and, while I'm never an enemy of satire, I feel like we've winked about the whole zombie bit enough. I get that they're the perfect representation of everything we hate about everyone but I think every gamer worked that out of their system. This just seems like it's pampering its audience too much and too quickly. But, who knows, maybe that's how to sell a game these days. So long as I don't have to watch that trailer again. Ever.